I and I – A Journey From Disease To Awareness

A case by Dr. Dinesh Chauhan
Published in Spectrum 2017 January

Connecting with just that 'one'
Makes me complete and loved
That 'one' is what defines me, makes me stable
Without that one my identity is none
My dependence is beyond the bounds of logic, it's just the heart to heart connection
My world shatters when this 'one' betrays me, keeps me away
My heart weeps, broods, slowly as my world crumbles
It's when I realise that within me everything runs
The more I meditate on it, the closer to myself I come
The disease in me, the inner healer becomes
That the one is none but I and I alone...
                                           Rina

From the homeopathic viewpoint, we witness the individual's journey from disease to health to awareness in general. In particular if we understand this from the perspective of the 3rd Row in the periodic table, the journey travels from the issue of identity in disease to health to awareness. Along with issues of love, care, nourishment, nurture, interdependency of relationships the central issue revolves around identity.

In my practise with cases requiring remedy from 3rd row, I would watch the individual's journey of identity from disease to awareness. During the disease it is how one suffers from the issue of identity, how one becomes aware of the fact that he is suffering from this issue of identity. It is the journey of inappropriate identity to individual identity to universal identity.
In the disease state your feelings, reactions, perception are inappropriate, in health the same feelings reactions and perceptions are appropriate, the main issue remains but in the healthy state it attains an equilibrium, it is balanced out, and one becomes aware of this disease state in oneself and the same disease during health and awareness helps the individual in his higher purpose.
If you have known about the story of Batman series, the entire journey is of the child who suffers from this intense fear of Bats when he falls into a dry well and is attacked by a swarm of bats, he develops phobia for bats, he watches opera with his parents where he becomes frightened by the performers masquerading as bats, later he goes on a journey where he wants to overcome his fears to fight injustice, he lives in dark deep well where is troubled by the visions and dreams of the bats, till he finds a way out on his own to climb up that well and he overcomes his fear to become Batman himself and saves the city of Gotham by becoming the batman. This is the same journey where the boy who develops a phobia, conquers his phobia and uses the same disease within him to almost making his fear his identity for his higher purpose to save people...similarly the homeopathic healing is a holistic journey from disease to health to awareness...
Going further with this understanding, the three steps of case witnessing process which I use in my practise help me to understand this journey. The three steps of passive, active, active-active help us to take the patient from understanding the disease, making the patient aware of the disease, help us in understanding the follow ups, understanding the Acute which the patient suffers from till the healing level.
Let me illustrate this to you with an example of the case which belongs to the third row, how she travels this journey of individual identity during disease, during health and awareness, how gradually she improves which is reflected in her follow ups till she completely identifies with the substance and we explain her how her disease state reflected the essence of the substance. She suffers from Chronic Lymphocytic Leukaemia (CLL). During the course of 2 years of treatment during an Acute the same state comes up with a higher intensity and gradually how her life changes and how this takes her to her higher purpose...
(NOTE: The case has been edited for brevity. Peculiar sentences are highlighted in italics. My explanations, observations and notes are in plain brackets ( ) or are mentioned in points. D, P, stands for Doctor and Patient respectively. Follow ups have been summarized at the end of the case. Also the sentences are kept how the patient has expressed them in his own language and flow)

PASSIVE CASE WITNESSING PROCESS
D: tell me about you?
P: I did my routine blood tests in which there was high level of WBC's, high lymphocytes, was diagnosed as chronic lymphocytic leukaemia. Stage 0, it suddenly came out of the blue. (weeps+++)
My husband is suffering from Stage 4 Sarcoma, had chemotherapy for foot, now stage 4 metastasis in the lungs, we are a very close knit family. Husband has a very positive attitude. I have survived many things. I am not exhibiting this attitude, it's really there. Illness has brought us closer.
I came from a broken home, Father left us when I was 14, this traumatized me, my brother, my mother, it tore us apart, and I turned a rebel. Mother is very unloving, controlling, always like a sword over my head, "if you do like that see"
There was a lot of fear, and now that fear has turned into pathology, what I am outside, what I portray myself as confident woman but inside there isa deep disconnect. There is a deep disconnect between my inside and outside, battling with anxiety for many years
Irritation, malaise, feverish feeling, doesn't feel on the top, calves pain which increases 10-15 days before menses.
There is a definite shift from as a girl who grew up in that kind of atmosphere always had a problem with relationships. I am extremely loving, have great relations with everyone, I don't know to give love or receive love. Always wanted people but very weary of forming close relations.
I never had a support system, never like to take support, but now I have to take support, like you have formed a shield around yourself. Emotionally I don't take support. Earlier couldn't manage emotions, can't handle emotions. Earlier I would require support, if I wouldn't get then I would keep burning inside, worked on myself but there are issues, anxieties, nameless anxieties, I am living with anxiety for many, many years, my aim is to have this no anxiety then liberatory day, want liberation.
I am scared of life...
I was not a whole person definitely not an adult when I had kids, took emotional support from counsellor depended on him. Mother thought I was going for money, he also thought I had come for money that's what I think. I realised that I was unwanted; it was as if he was obliging me.
Father and I got along extremely well, but physically he abandoned us and my mother, she emotionally abandoned us. There was a vacuum in me, there was no closure. It doesn't hurt me anymore.
I was so immersed that I am not able to give myself to my family, 2 intelligent children whom she could have brought together (hg: both hands coming close to each other)
Similar traits in husband, huge, huge, ego, controlling massive ego problem, he is very politically correct. I wouldn't try to change him, illness has brought us closer.
He needs support but I am not loving, sitting at someone's bedside and holding his hand, I can't do it. Maybe I was not supposed to get love from parents got it from somewhere else. I want mothers love, I want fathers love, and I was never like that.
Emotionally estranged with husband, never discuss my deeper feelings, he should understand, we have a lack of understanding, he also feels that, there is a mutual disconnect, deeper emotional connect is not there, but I love him, don't know what love is?
I believe in connection and not love, connection should be there.
(In the passive you see that the issue of disconnection with her relationships especially with her parents and husband comes up, along with feeling of being unwanted, abandoned resulting in a kind of vacuum, not loved by the parents and wanting support, here the issue of disconnect comes up with herself and with husband and parents, hence taking this as the focus of the case we move ahead in the active part of the case witnessing process to see how it goes further)

Active case witnessing process
D: you spoke about this connection and disconnection; can you just explain that in general, not related to you?
P: connection means familiarity, it's not like hindered spirits, not similar souls, could be dissimilar, a certain kind of protection, I am not using the words love, care but protection, a safe place or not going to be a safe place.
D: connection and disconnection?
P: even when you have not met for years but you feel that you have met every day. But with some it's like what to speak. Disconnection is like just meet because you have to and then you go.
D: more about connection?
P: can feel it in my heart physically, my heart feels full if the person does something, says something, write's something.
(On questioning about connection and disconnection she connects the issue of safe place, also gives us further understanding of what she really means by connection and disconnection so we keep her on that and become active-active as we have confirmed our focus)
Active-active case witnessing process
D: right now what comes in your mind about deep connection?
P: being with the person, nothing to be said or done, you can just be yourself. You may not be together, not even in the room but the connection is there across the room, across the city, free acceptance. You are always role playing so that "I" is not there anymore, and when I am not anxious then I am that person. To have a connect and yet be free. In deep connections there is solitariness.
In deep connections you are not joined you are separate like to be alone, don't like too much noise.
D: can you tell me about your dreams?
P: don't remember.
D: scared of life meaning?
P: not having a servant was frightening; everything was frightening, if dad was here I would have 2 servants, I wouldn't have to do anything, it was frightening. Think life would have been different if dad was there, would have never married this man.
D: what bothers you most among this?
P: inability to give unconditional love, accept me unconditionally. I can't subject myself to pain; everything comes to a question, why people are like that? In newspapers you see parents inflict hurt on others.
D: like what?
P: 12th, 10th marks, whether the child is capable or not, you have to get it.
D: not like an adult?
P: use to hate having sex, I was an unformed adult, husband is never ever going to give me love, care, protection.
Father is a very sexually perverse guy, he is like that from inside and it shows, I knew about my father's reality, but the need was more than reality.
D: means what?
P: wanted father to play the role of a father
D: anything else?
P: relationship with another man for 10 years, extremely protective and gentle, I have a connection with him, I know for a fact that he is there, there is an emotional connect. I have more men than women friends; they are more rational and uncomplicated. Was very dependent emotionally on him but now don't want to be.
D: how are you feeling after speaking?
P: the fact about my parents still bothers me
D: so you get completely dependent on person you like?
P: yes, do, do for them, feel that they will reciprocate and they don't
End of the case

So here we see that the whole phenomenon of connection and disconnection for her is being able to completely depend on the person, the need for love, care, protection, wanting a connection where without being able to talk to each other, two people are able to understand each other, to have connection where the "I" is not there anymore and when anxious she should be able to become that person, also at other end we see that the people with whom she wants to develop this connection they inflict hurt, don't reciprocate leaving her to believe that she will never be loved. Feelings of being an unformed adult, feeling of being a zero, everything is frightening also come up significantly.
This takes us to the ROW 3 of the PERIODIC TABLE, and the
REMEDY: NATRUM MURIATICUM
In this case we started with Natrum Mur 1m 3 doses.
During her follow ups since she suffers from a deep irreversible pathology we need to closely watch her overall state, emotionally and physically, her WBC counts etc...
The follow ups here are given in details as we will be able to understand how the entire case evolved through the 2 years and how till today even if her WBC counts are high, she is a totally changed person and there are no abnormal cells in her reports and her cancer specialist says that everything is normal...
FOLLOW UPS
1. After 1 month:
P: okay 1st 2 weeks of the month were nice, better with the doses you gave me, overall better than what I was.
D: in what way?
P: leg pains were better for sometime, but physically energy is less, mentally emotionally in a very bad state as situation at home is very stressful...
D: means what?
P: impending loss of husband, feeling as if my security blanket is being taken away from me, losing my husband, now I will have to take care of myself I know, I am capable, but still feeling scared, anxiety throughout the day, stomach is tied in knots with anxiety, depending too much on my male friends, expect them to reply to me immediately if I mail them, spent one day in the hospital with husband, he is in last stages, very critical, cannot sleep with that along with body aches.
D: what was the fear?
P: seeing him helpless, would keep away from unpleasant things which are near you, I would feel why he doesn't just die, I was guilty, earlier use to question a lot, now don't question so much, actually look forward to being with him, some things he says are very touching to me (cries) he was so different earlier now very different he is, he is now like a helpless child, seeing the degeneration of somebody, want to know that I am there.
Reports:
Feb 2012: Hb: 12.0 gm%
Wbcs 16700, Platelets: 27200, abnormal cells (smudge cells) +++.
March 12: Hb: 12.3, WBC: 14300, Platelets: 266000, abnormal cells (smudge cells) +++.
(We see that although we notice a reduction in the WBC count, emotionally and the entire feeling of dependence comes up, hence we repeat the doses)
Treatment: Natrum mur 1m 3 doses (I dose daily for 3 days)
2. Follow up after 4 months later
Husband passed away
P: daughter is very disturbed, can't express herself...
D: how are you?
P: last week husband suffered a lot, I was there with him continuously, used to take care of him, I could connect with him, it was like we are one, I had given myself completely to him, always had a problem with that earlier, without expectations I had to give, gave whatever love I had which I was unable to give for years, he just used to wait for me. Anxiety is there, feeling like a pulling inside the stomach.
D: did you get any dreams?
P: dreams have increased, I am drinking bhang (during holi festival in India, bhang is prepared from cannabis leaves), I am behaving weirdly and dad is seeing the video and saying "what are you doing?"
Treatment given: Natrum Mur 1m 3 doses (we see yet again she comes up with this whole issue of how she gave herself to him, and her anxiety increased because she has lost her husband on whom she was feeling completely dependent)
3. FOLLOW UP after 5 months
D: how are you?
P: anxiety better, still little is there, but in a better space than before, more in control, though it very but I feel it's not the end of the world, good support system lot of friends and brothers
D: dreams that you remember, recently
P: some kind of natural disaster we were running away from it, tried to find a way out, some destruction, floods, water, battle against adventures, I also see similar people in the dream
D: what do you feel?
P: don't remember the feeling, feel a mixture of excited, fearful, shouting for help...
D: how is the feeling of want to be in touch with friends?
P: still there but getting hold of the situation, have lot of friends, old friends there is a connection with them it's a vicious circle, but getting more in control of the situation, a little bit of rationality coming up, better able to handle situations, get over it fast, need time for myself, little self-control I am able to get, confidence is boosting up not at the mercy of someone's emotion
Treatment given: Natrum Mur 1m 3 doses
4. Follow up after 6 months
D: How are you feeling?
P: earlier I had this complaint of stiffness of fingers, knuckles in the morning which has reduced. Episodes of anxiety but trying to change my mindset, dependency issues have reduced. But I am in a happy space, not reacting to things, now think and do it...fatigue feeling has reduced.
D: overall mentally and emotionally how are you feeling?
P: good much more confident now when taking decisions. But missing my husband a lot, crying a lot, but this awareness is there now, that I am going through grief and I will feel sad and all...
D: how is the whole feeling of dependency?
P: I have close relationships and I know that attachment can be there but there is awareness also at the same time that I cannot expect that person to be there all the time and neither my life revolves around one person only, so more at peace now.
D: dreams?
P: saw my father in the dreams, was meeting him after a long time
Treatment: Natrum Mur 1m 3 doses

5. Follow up after 10 months
D: How are you?
P: Energywise 80% better, cramps that I used to get and bladder fullness are better, hair loss is there, friendly with one person from school where I work, he is interested in taking the relationship forward, but I am not over my husband yet, overwhelming emotionally. But I don't feel the need to depend on anyone that has gone down drastically. Now I don't feel that what will I do without this person? Don't feel lonely now.
Repeated her blood tests at that time: HB: 13 gm%, WBC's 27,000, abnormal cells (smudge cells) +++.
Treatment: Natrum Mur 1M 3 doses (we see although she is better yet the anxiety is there and her WBC count is high.
6. An Acute episode
D: how are you?
P: anxiety is not going, it paralyzes me, can't move, am very angry with myself, continuously thinking about anxiety, experiencing a lot of fear about the future related to health, money, relationships, children
D: describe that?
P: panic situation, want all this to end, maybe myself also, just fed up and angry, losing control, complete loss of control on everything, there is nothing I feel, losing everything
D: complete loss of control, losing everything?
P: I am not myself, my mind is not mine, my body is not mine, and something is taking me over, as if somebody else is doing everything, I am not there, somebody else is there, a total sense of disconnection with myself, like it's not happening to me, it's happening to somebody else, I identify with negative process than positive process, total disconnection, whole person is not there, fragmented.
D: dreams?
P: huge wave and is coming there is lot of water and I am in the house and everything is here and there and just lot of water.
D: physically what all is happening?
P: lot of cramps+++, bladder fullness, hair loss increased.
Reports: HB: 13.6, WBC: 51,000, Smudge cells +++
Treatment: NATRUM MUR 10M 3 DOSES, (here we see the she experiences the disconnection with herself very strongly, and connects the disconnection within herself, her reports also show a sudden increase in WBCs and abnormal cells, and hence also we increase the potency)
She comes after 15days saying that she is much better, physically cramps, myalgia, bladder fullness much better, anxiety also much better
D: how is the feeling of disconnection with myself?
P: nothing much about it, her reports have improved and the haematologist says they are better and nothing to worry about.
7. After 1.2 year of treatment
D: how are you?
P: emotionally much, much better, initially was on hormonal treatment for heavy menses which has completely been stopped. Intensity of complaints during periods have reduced, more in control of me, what I imagined to be, I can be that. Anxiety has reduced, not dependent on some man to make me complete, not letting that affect my equilibrium, not flowing into any relation, achieved a equilibrium, a realisation that feeling better this way. Rather be with myself than just filling the gap. Look at things more dispassionately, don't imagine things just go and ask.
D: fragmented feeling?
P: not there now.
Reports: HB: 13.6 GM%, WBC: 35.910, Smudge cells+++
Treatment given: NATRUM MUR 10M 3 DOSES
8. After 14 months
D: how are things?
P: I am much, much better, more in control of myself, earlier situations use to control me, now I can look from a different perspective, more accepting with myself. Earlier wanted to be someone else, there was no outline there was no "I", I can now love myself, feel a lot less guilty, normally I would have brooded, now don't bother, have learnt to protect myself, be alone and be happy with myself, before I would get into a relationship, if I break up I would be collapsed, I wouldn't be able to stand. Chronic lymphocytic leukaemia is now in control.
Physically occasionally feel fatigued, feel more depressed around menses, earlier would dream of unknown faces now I dream of known faces.
Treatment: NATRUM MUR 10M 3 DOSES
9. Follow up after 15 months
D: how are you?
P: feeling very centred, alone without an agenda, biggest challenge was addiction to people, wanted people to depend on, confronting about husband's death but was not able to earlier, more acceptable, more worth, have a sense of wellbeing. Fading away other world, generous, love but this all was hampering me. From "somebody" "out to in", saw myself from outside perspective, now "in to out". Can give somebody so much, not just men
I feel a deep rooted change, I am aware now. Books, things come to you when you need it. Intensity, frequency has reduced of the anxiety, feel a 360 degree turn in my level of understanding. Things that dominated and affected me have gone 90%, I can manage, now not fearful of people stopping to love me, I will not be unloved. Anxiety about a relationship has ended.
Treatment: NATRUM MUR 10M 3 DOSES
10. Follow up after 1.8 year:
She came up with benign thyroid nodes, her thyroid hormone levels were normal, mentally she was better. Size of the thyroid nodes was increasing, hence
P: I am realising some patterns which I was living. Relation with parents was always controversial and guilt. Guilt feeling has reduced, I wouldn't say it has gone completely, I know I have to see the situation and respond. There is a struggle between old A. and new A., trying to release the trauma. Books always find me, I feel positive in general and I am going towards something, I will soon reach a stage where things won't bother me, I will be at peace of mind, I think I am going towards that space.
Treatment: NATRUM MUR 10M 3 DOSES
11. After almost 2 years
P: all reports continue to remain normal. Overall I am good, lot of change, I am reading books with Tibetian Experience it was a transformative experience, realised a lot of things in the process. We are a resist to change but we are constantly changing, happier and calmer, liking the new me.
Reading Buddhism can't read anything else, I do a lot of meditation, fear and anxiety reduced, and metamorphosis is happening, situations are same but my reaction is different. Earlier music would cause me weeping, now don't cry. Now I feel I should be more kind to others and myself. There is a voice from the head that I am now aware. Use to feel someone is standing with a stick and forcing me to do, now I don't allow myself to be in that situation, now I don't want to be in a relationship, feeling very amorphous, I can be anything I want to be. I could be anything I want to be, so there is amorphous in me. No solidity can slip into any role, so I don't know what I am. I have many shades, people are white and black, I am grey, fear in subconscious. Parts of me, no entity, and feeling disintegrated, falling away. That is no A. I feel less and less, feeling of disintegration.
The abnormal way has reduced, the appropriateness has come, the adult way has come, and earlier it was a very childish childlike way of wanting that person all the time...
Treatment: NATRUM MUR 10M 3 DOSES
Reports: HB: 14.1 mg%, WBC: 30,000, no abnormal cells detected.
(Patient still comes to us for regular follow ups, depending on her whole state and her reports she occasionally requires repetition of doses)
End of follow ups

During the last follow up she had a discussion with me asking me how homeopathy acted and how medicines are given, how we can as homeopaths understand which substance is prescribed to the patient from which kingdom, and ultimately she insists which medicine we gave her.
To which I explained to her
"In health and in disease every human being is unique, the Egyptian hermetic law says that everything in the universe vibrates in a unique way, in a unique pattern, vibrating in a unique frequency, so also plants, animals and minerals vibrate in a unique way, so also human, so each has their own unique frequency. In disease there is a change in this frequency, in this vibration, so if there is a change in this vibration, then the end result which is the manifestation also changes, now this change is again unique. This change when it comes in the human being, this pattern matches to one of the patterns in the universe... Now a holistic healing brings you back, first you identify with what is the real you and you come here, now gradually come back to your this pattern, now you select all the vehicles meditation or books or diet based on your inner pattern, where everything outside becomes your remedy now, once you start vibrating in a healthy pattern you attract only that which keeps you at health, but when you are in a diseased state you attract altered patterns, if you are a human and living a life of a dog then you will attract those kind of situations. If you are healthy then everything is spiritual, everything is medicine..."
Further I told her "Like in you the need for that one person on whom you are completely dependent, without that you are completely into panic state, and on whom you are completely dependent you can't trust that person, we selected the medicine from the mineral kingdom because of the whole feeling of dependency and love needing love, we selected "salt" which is known for one to one relationship, naturally sodium is very unstable, most unstable substance, needing one electron to complete the octave, it is always present with chlorine, it never separates...
After listening to this she reflected upon it and told us that it all made sense to her, and she also added that if we had explained this to her earlier it would not appeal to her as much as it appeals now because she has now become aware of her dis-ease state. In the end she told us that she has written a book on her experiences and she has named it "I and I "
With this case we understand the complete journey of the patient, she travels from being intensely affected by this state of "Identity" "I", then we understand gradually how this whole issue of "Identity" in her healthy stage, and slowly and gradually she becomes aware of Identity issue in her, and even understands the remedy given to her, she slowly moves to developing a deep interest in meditation and books, and writes a book "I and I" which also reflects her transition and shift from disease to deep inner healing...